i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
