he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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