This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She told me I should be a condom model.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
