More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
