My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
