I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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