and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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