he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
