i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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