After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
