i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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