By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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