Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
