i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
