Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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