I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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