My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
