Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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