Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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