Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
