he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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