I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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