i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
