I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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