And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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