I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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