That's intense
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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