life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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