That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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