remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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