I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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