I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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