What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
