Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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