Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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