Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Your cock deserves a montage
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
