just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
