I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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