For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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