Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
