I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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