Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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