Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
