just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
