i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
