I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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