My room smells like vodka and shame
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
