u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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