The best revenge is premature balding
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
