Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
