I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
