the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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