I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
