How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
