There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize