He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
