well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
