Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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